Robert’s Blog

Robert C. Ilardi was born in Brooklyn, New York and lived the first two decades of his life in an area widely-known and referred to as Bensonhurst. He was raised by a working single mother in a loving and tradition-filled household of his grandparents, surrounded by his loud and colorful extended Italian-American family. His experiences of living in the inner city through his mid-20s, the richness of the “Brooklyn Italian” culture, and his encounters with the diverse characters while growing up, inspired him to share a glimpse of the life in the inner city. He graduated from Polytechnic University and has worked in Wall Street for the past decade, working his way up to Applications Development Group Manager and Applications Architect. He currently lives in the suburbs of New Jersey with his wife and his dog, Lily. “Source of Endurance” is his first novel.

Thanks to my wife, Paula for coming up with this bio for me! :)

Guys! Finally put up my book’s web site. I bought the domain a while back but I didn’t want to focus on anything but writing the book, so the domain was just “parked” for a while.

Check out the new site: http://www.sourceofendurance.com

This is the synopsis I’m using for the description of my book, “Source of Endurance”, which I’m working on starting to self-publish it today… Wish me luck and enjoy the brief synopsis below!

Source of Endurance -

A story following an inner-city college student from a middle class working family in Brooklyn, through his journey to manhood. The book follows Peter Sassi through the trials and tribulations of his college experience. It explores romantic encounters and deep dividing family issues facing a young adult, as well as the peaks and valleys of adventures brought by his new found freedom. It delves into the importance of friendship and companionship and the dark side of emotions as Peter struggles through depression, anxiety and loss.

Peter Sassi is not your typical college student and as a student at a commuter school, he did not have the typical college experience. Polytechnic University, located in Downtown Brooklyn, may not have the typical campus most would imagine, but Peter discovers that “his” campus stretches beyond the school’s property and encompasses the entire city of New York. College brings Peter independence, which gives him both happiness and hardship.

As an only child, raised by a single mother, living in the comfort of his grandparent’s home, Peter is raised as a typical Italian-American boy. As he ventures out to college, a new marriage changes the dynamics of his family which forces Peter to move out on his own and support himself as he struggles to maintain his sanity and continue pursuing his dreams. A big personal loss pushes Peter over the edge to an abyss full of sadness and prescription drugs, causing him to temporarily lose his grip on his hopes and dreams. With the help of his friends and loved-ones, Peter finds the strength to endure his personal demons and fight for the life he always wanted. His unique college experience leads Peter to a new sense of reality and hope, as he enters the “real world”.

Note: I found this document I put together back on September 24, 1999 in a backup… I thought it would make an interesting post…

From the original 1999 document: My Management professor in college handed out a sheet of titled “35 Ways To Kill Ideas.” I know how that feels! There is always someone out there, that no matter how good and relevant your ideas or dreams are, they can’t help but “Kill the Idea!” That night, while I was downloading some MP3’s, I wrote “35 Idea Killer Come Backs!”

My thoughts on this write up in 2010: After reviewing this more than 10 years later, I see how inexperienced and arrogant I was in college… The original come backs were geared towards my feelings towards the responses I was receiving from my software startup dreams back then. 11 years later, now as an experience applications development group manager, I see how inexperienced I really was. When I met with RRE Venture Capital the person I met with said, I have a lot of good technical ideas and drive, and it was great I was trying to do this so young, but I needed more experience. Back than I took it as an insult, today I know she was right.

What is it? Back in 2008 right after Lehman Brothers went Bankrupt, I created this programming guide to help out some co-workers that were programmers but not Java programmers, learn Java to help with potential job searches. Just came across it in a backup and thought might be useful to post.

Links to the Guide hosted on RogueLogic.com:

• The Non-Java Programmers Guide to Java (PDF)
• Lessons Directory for the "The Non-Java Programmers Guide to Java"
• Full Guide with lessons and support files (ZIP) of the "The Non-Java Programmers Guide to Java"

Intended Audience

The intended audience for this guide on the Java Programming Language is Experienced Programmers that want a quick concise read to get them started with the Java Programming Language. This guide does NOT assume you have any knowledge of Java or Object Oriented Programming.

At the end of this guide you should be able start reading and modifying other peoples code, as well as start creating your own programs in Java from scratch. What this guide will NOT do is make you an expert with Java. You should read other documentation and books on Java and practice programming in Java, and perhaps even take a training course or two, if you want to be come a “senior” Java developer.

It is the author’s opinion that, the only real way to become a highly productive programmer in any language including Java is to work with it on a frequent basis either at your job (as a professional programmer already, who wants to move to the Java language to participate in Java development projects within your company), or for programming projects at school and at home.

Syllabus

Lesson 1 – My First Java Program

• The simplest Java Program. Outputs to the screen “Hello World”
• How to write a Java Program
• Compile a program from the command line
• Run a program from the command line
• What is the classpath?
• What is a Package?
• Environmental Settings for Java
• Same on Windows or Unix/Linux: JAVA_HOME, PATH, CLASSPATH
• What is a JAR File?

Lesson 2 – Procedural Programming in Java?
This shows you that you can actually just create a single Java class with “functions”
You should never program in the real world like this.

Lesson 3 – Classes and Objects

• Basic Object Oriented Programming (OOP) Guide
• What is OOP?
• What is a Class?
• What is an Object?
• What’s the difference between a class and an object?
• Java Class verses Java Interface

Lesson 4 – Built In Java Data Types

• Two Types of Data Types in Java: Primitives and Objects
• What’s the difference?
• Primitive Types: int, float, double, char, long, byte, boolean, short
• Included Object Data Types: String, Date
• Primitive Wrapper Objects: Integer, Float, Double, Character, Long, Byte, Boolean, Short
• In some cases you need to pass around a variable such as an int as an object. In this case you would use Wrapper Types.
• For “MOST” Java programs you can usually ignore wrapper types, unless you want to store a primitive in a Collection (See the Lesson on Collections for details).
• Notices there’s one for each Primitive Type, only difference in most cases which for Character are the same name as the primitive, only with a Capital Letter as the first letter. In Java, everything is CASE-SENSITIVE.
• Wrapper Types are used to “wrap” a primitive in an Object. Example If you want to wrap an would wrap an “int” variable in an Integer object.
• Type Casting
• Arrays

Lesson 5 – Operators, Loops and Logic Statements (Control Statements)

Lesson 6 – Collections

• Lists: ArrayList / Vector
• Maps: HashMap / HashTable

Lesson 7 – Exceptions

Lesson 8 – JDBC (Java Database Connectivity)

• How do we connect to a database in Java?
• Basic JDBC Programming from a Command Line Java Program.

Actually this is an MP3 Playlist now, but it comes from a Mix Tape by Anthony Tran that he brought with him on our student exchange trip to Russia… This tape helped get me through!

I preserved the order of the songs that were originally on the Mix tape. I compiled this set of Mp3’s years ago and just came across the playlist after hearing a couple of songs that were on this playlist on Octane 20 (the hard rock channel on Sirius satellite radio). Hearing them play on the radio reminded me of this. Enjoy the list! It’s an awesome mix, even today (although could have been a little heavier on the Metallica songs :P)…

Live – Scarred Like That
White Zombie – More Human Than Human
Black Sabbath – War Pigs
Metallica – The Unforgiven
Danzig – Until You Call On The Dark
NIN – Terrible Lie
Violent Femmes – Color Me Once
Nirvana – Lithium
Enigma – Age Of Loneliness
Nirvana – Come as You Are
Candlebox – You
NIN – Hurt
PJ Harvey – Down By The Water
Machines of Loving Grace – Golgotha Tenement Blues
Red Hot Chili Peppers – The Righteous And The Wicked
Alice In Chains – No Excuses
Danzig – Can’t Speak
Radiohead – Creep
The Cranberries – Zombie
NIN – Dead Souls

This started way back in high school (around 1995), when my friends and I were attending Xaverian High School. A bunch of us used to meet early around 7AM in the caferteria for breakfast and to work on our homework, every morning for the entire 4 years we were in high school…

One of the guys at our table was talking about how Quad-Speed CD-ROM “Spin too Fast”… As you can see this is really dated based on the top speed of CD-ROMs at the time.

Anyway it started this big discussion between three guys, Chris, Anthony, and myself. I am still good friends with Anthony today, and we actually work together. The three of us were the big computer guys at our table, so this discussion was pretty typical for us.

Anyway, after a week of arguing about 4X CD-ROM NOT being too fast as Chris insisted I drew this pretty poor GIF in Paint Shop Pro probably version 1.X…

Much much, later when we were all in college, I came across this file on one of my backup CD’s, and emailed it out to the guys…

After some laughes, and “f-u rob’s”, Anthony created the Flash version since he was taking a Multi-Media course or something…

Anyway, click here to Watch the CD-2-Fast Flash movie… It doesn’t work well embedded on my blog post, so had to make it a separate page…

On the eve of the new year, and a new decade, I have some thoughts about what the first decade of the 21st century meant for me, personally, and what I happily foresee happening in my life during the next upcoming decade that will begin in a few short hours…

They last decade was the ten years in which I grew up from a boy to a young man to now a man. I just turned 30 years old this month, and as many people like to remind me. “Wow 30… Now you are really a man…” And they are right, it’s not just about the age, it’s more about how I grew emotionally and mentally as a person. I have so many fond memories of college, running around downtown Brooklyn, around the Metro-Tech campus of Polytechnic University. And for a long time (years in fact) during the last 10 years, I wanted to go back to that. I missed being that boy/young man, not really having responsibility. The city was my play ground at times.

So first I want to go over what happened in my life the last decade and what it meant to me:

Back in 2000, I was in my Junior and Senior year of my college career at Poly. I was a little behind on credits, but I really wanted to graduate in 4 years and get out into the “real world.” In other words, I was tired of school, tired of living at home, and I wanted to make money. Lots of money!

I doubled up on classes, and had a few consecutive semesters of 18-21 credits.

I also changed majors at this time, because I was too far behind on the pure CS curriculum, and even if I managed to pull passing grades in Differential Equations, Linear Algebra, and Discrete Mathematics, there was no way I was going to be able to graduate on time, at least 1 semester behind, or even possibly a full year.

So with the help of Paula (still only my girlfriend at the time), I made the extremely hard personal choice of switching majors to Information Management, which was still under the CS department, but had slightly less math, and slightly less CS based electives (although most electives were CS based), and the few electives pulled away from the CS courses, became information management related courses.

At the time it was one of the hardest decision I ever made, because I really wanted that BS in CS and not a BS in IM. This decision would effect me emotionally later in the decade, when I decided to try to go back to school for my CS masters to prove something to myself, but there was really never anything to prove.

There was always something more than academics for me. Academics for me was always just a tool to get to where I wanted to be in life. There was always this underlining desire, a need actually; one that is embedded in the fabric that made me the boy I was, the young man I became, and now the man that I continue to evolve being. I wanted to start a family. I always did, and I wanted to be strong for my family. Like my grandfather for his family, I wanted to be the stone, the foundation that everyone could rely on to help build them up to be able to do the same for their own families when the time comes. It was always one of the most important things to me since as far back as I could remember. Everything I did since I was 5 years old was to make me a better man in the future, in now what is the present, so I could start my family and help be a better head of that family.

So in May 2001, I graduated from Polytechnic University with my degree of BS in IM. and I got my first full time job at Lehman Brothers. I started as a Systems Analyst in 2001 (shortly before the September 11, attacks), as I skipped the entry level training program, since I worked at the company part-time throughout college, starting as an intern the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in 1998.

Over the summer when I started work full time at Lehman in 2001, Paula and I were basically broken up. We barely spoke to each other, let alone saw each other. I was depressed over this, and the only thing that made me feel a little better was shopping and blowing entire pay checks on expensive electronics and things like first generation wireless internet services, etc. At one point I was buying a new model of the Palms every week. J&R was my drug of choice during the breakup with Paula.

Fate pushed Paula and me back together. After 9-11, Paula lost her job at Telecordia, and she needed a place to live or she had to move back to California. I convinced her that we could get an apartment together and try to work things out.

In December 2001, pretty much on my 22nd birthday, Paula and I moved into our own apartment in Queens.

For the first time I was paying rent, paying for my own food, utilities, etc. There was little left over on my entry level salary for my habits, like electronics, legos, and music and movies.

I had REAL responsibilities. And no matter how little she did depend on me, I had Paula to think about as well. This is when I transformed from a boy to a young man.

My stomach problems which started in high school just kept on progressing throughout college, and continued to do so in the 00’s

Within a year I moved up to Senior Developer (2002). And Paula was on her way to Syracuse University to study for her MBA. We would visit each other on the weekends. We would fly from JFK or LGA to SYR, mostly on JetBlue or US Airways (mostly she few to the City, but I enjoyed the short times I spent up at Syracuse. I wish I took a week off here and there and stayed up there for a couple of weeks with her.)

Syracuse was a lot of fun. It felt so far removed from our apartment in Queens, my job at Lehman in Jersey City, and my responsibilities. It felt like I was a college kid again.

But these escapes from reality were short and I was at work every Monday (even going to work almost straight from JFK, with a quick stop at my queens apartment to change into my work clothes.) with a new goal.

I had to save money to buy Paula a ring! I woke up one Saturday next to Paula and it just hit me, I wanted to marry her. I still wasn’t making enough money to cover all of the living expenses and save for a ring, so I had to tighten the belt. I started making my own lunch instead of buying it, I also stopped buying my monthly DVDs and other small toys (like small legos sets). My entire 2003 bonus went towards the ring as well.

I worked hard to impress my manager and my manager’s manager, and a year after that in 2003 I became Team Leader.

2003 we made the decision to buy a condo in New Jersey and move out of the city. I was tired of apartment living and renting. Paula was studying abroad in London for a couple of months with an Internship as well, and I had to pick out the condo myself. She didn’t exactly like my choice, and we did a lot of renovations before moving in; especially the kitchen! :) Thanks Nonno! For two months, while we renovated, I moved back home to my mom’s, who also moved to Jersey a year before we decided to start looking in NJ.

2003 also had another big moment for Paula and me, bought her a ring from the diamond district in the City.

And on March 8, 2003, I proposed to Paula in the Brooklyn Botanical garden.

Paula graduated from her MBA a semester early, in December 2003. And the Christmas season had a dual personal celebration for us. Paula graduating and I unofficially was notified that I was going to be promoted to Assistant Vice President. I also got my first “big” bonus that year.

So it was official in 2004, and within three years of starting, I became Assistant Vice President (my first corporate officer title).

In 2004, I had a itch to see what else was out there for me professional-wise. I updated my resume and began submitting to companies and also posting on the Job sites.

I made it to the second round of interviews that Microsoft, and I had airline tickets to fly to Seattle, but Paula and I decided we really didn’t want to move to Seattle and I called it quits on the interview process. To this day, not finishing the interview process still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I promised myself back than, that I would never again not finish an interesting interview process, even if I already know I probably won’t accept an offer if one would be made for me.

I also received a job offer at Citigroup, which I turned down, after speaking with my management and decided to stay with Lehman and work on a new project.

It was now 2005, I moved up to Project Leader. I was working hard on a new project called EAM (Enterprise Account Management), where I was the architect and manager of the middleware team.

I still found time in my busy schedule to take dancing lessons with Paula for our upcoming wedding.

And on Friday, April 29, 2005, Paula and I got married! :) It was the happiest moment of my life to date! As you can see on our wedding DVD, I couldn’t stop crying at the alter. And my family will still tell me that seeing my cry for joy, made them all cry as well.

After the wedding, we had some money saved, and we were able to sell our condo for a large profit. We used the money to buy our town house in Bridgewater, NJ.

Having a large mortgage was tough. Back in the condo, the mortgage wasn’t much more than my rent, and other the years I got some raises, so we were living comfortable. Eating out multiple times as week, at least once or twice at the Cheese Cake Factory. Buying lets of DVDs, and legos, and so many useless things again.

It was time once again to tighten the belt and focus on the new house and starting our family. I also turn 25, and I definitely had a small “quarter life crisis”. I felt so much more like a family man. It was time to put wasteful things away and focus on my family. But at the same time, I still felt like just a big kid! :)

My stomach issues became too much to bare and Paula made me start seeing doctors. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and Acid Reflux.

In 2006 the EAM project was full steam ahead, and screwing up really meant the possibility of getting fired or at least shifted out of the critical path. I became Project Manager on the middleware side, and by June, the system went live and was successful!

Paula started law school at Pace University, which definitely grounded us in the NY-NJ area.

In 2007 I was promoted to Vice President and managing a team of 12 directs.

My long running stomach issues finally were fixed after seeing four different types doctors.

My Nana (my grandmother on my father’s side) passed away after battle cancer for three years. It hit me pretty hard. I loved my Nana, she has a dedication in my book that I’m working on. She really did step in to help take care of me when another failed…

In 2008, we got our pooch Lily! A Siberian Husky that has brought an amazing amount of join to our home! We requested her from a breeder of show dogs located in Upstate New York before she was born. She was born on April 1st, 2008. She’s the most lively, cutest, and smartest pooch you have ever met.

This pretty much was the end of my climb in Lehman Brothers, as in 2008 at the height of the financial crisis, the government decided, “Lehman wasn’t too big to fail.”, and the company filed bankruptcy. What a mistake they made, and now a 150+ year old American company is gone, and the Brits are getting all the benefits of buying the remains of Lehman for 250 million for the business plus another 900 million in real estate (prime real estate off of Time Square).

2008 was a very busy year for me. I was interviewing at various companies since the collapse of Bear Sterns, being afraid that we were next. The Sunday night that Bear Sterns was bought by JP Morgan Chase, I updated my resume, which I did not update since that time I was interviewing while still working at Lehman back in 2004.

I interviewed at some many companies, that Paula and I bought had to work on scheduling the interviews, sometimes two companies a day. Some of the big names were: Apple, Google, JP Morgan Chase, eBay and PayPal, Ameritrade, Pershing Bank of NY. I got the job at Apple, but Paula and I made a decision not to move to Cuppertino, California to Apple’s HQ. I also got the job at Pershing twice, and twice turned it down.

Instead after the bankruptcy, I left Lehman (didn’t accept the Barclay’s offer; Barclay’s is the British bank that bought lehman for a song and a dance after helping to left it slip into bankruptcy, by leaving the meeting to save lehman the weekend of the bankruptcy. Since they both it after the bankruptcy, they are not responsible for it’s debts, etc…) and accepted an offer at Citigroup.

From the end of 2008, throughout 2009, and presently I have been working for Citi, building a new system. I retained my Vice President title, and I am the architect and Applications Development Senior Project Manager for ALL development on my current project. I currently am back up to my 12 direct reports, and in 2010 we are planning on further expanding the team.

Also in 2009, Paula graduated from Law school and is now studying for the BAR exam for both NY and NJ in February 2010.

We also took a cross country drive! One of the best trips, probably better than all of our trips except for our honeymoon in the Cayman Islands. We drove from our home in New Jersey to Cleveland, OH, to Chicago, IL, to St Louis, MO, to Kansas City, MO, to Denver, CO, to Salt Lake City, UT, to Lake Tahoe, NV, to Sacramento, CA! It was a once in a life time trip with amazing experiences!

A week after we got back to NJ from our cross country drive in August 2009, my father passed away. The last time I heard from him was a day before we left for our cross country trip. It was a screaming voicemail from him. Pretty typical from him actually. We just couldn’t see eye to eye. He was out of my life for 12 years and when he came back, he wanted to just pick up like he never left, but I didn’t have the time nor the desire to do it that way. If he wanted a relationship, I was opened to that, but we had to work on it and start slow. Also I expected him to the bulk of the work. But he just wanted to sweep it under the carpet, and those who know me, know that’s an impossibility. Especially after not even calling me more than a handful of times after he left, except after hearing through the grape vine that I had a serious girlfriend, he called to tell me he was glad I wasn’t gay.

Anyway, after hearing his voicemail, I tried to call him back, and left my own voicemail, telling him I saw his missed call on my phone, and pretended not to hear the voicemail, but he never returned my call. My father’s family and I had a big falling out since his death…

Turning 30 was big for me. There’s a lot of childish things that I started to put away. I felt that my twenties I was still a young man and a kid at heart. But now, I know it’s time to be a fully grown man, and it’s time to be a family man, the head of my own family.

Paula threw me a awesome 30th birthday party with my friends and family (mostly family, as I have a big family :) Being Italian and all…). It was local, as I love my Bridgewater town! There was a surprise party at this awesome place called Chimmeny Rock Inn, and than bowling. My first game I bowled in 10 years I scored a 169! Not too shabby man! :)

So the first decade of the 21st century, has been very important for me and Paula. We graduated college, got a jobs on Wall street which helped to give our family seed money to grow, took a quick detour for an MBA, we got married, went to law school, drove coast-to-coast, and I grew up from being a boy to a young man to now a evolving man. And now waiting for the next decade to start with hopes and dreams.

So what are my hope and dreams and expectations for the next 10 years. Well, I think these next 10 years will be the most important in Paula and my family, in terms of growing it. We will start having kids, probably buy our next house which will probably be the house we live in until our kids go to college and move out, and maybe the last “primary residence” we buy for the rest our life (not taking into consideration a possible downgrade when we retire). I’m hoping to also buy a vacation house. I think we will also firmly establish us financially in the next decade. The first decade of our life together, I think was a great start financially. I think we are on schedule for our plans in terms of property. I think we are slightly behind on having kids, but we are going to correcting this soon! :) I hope to becoming Senior Vice President soon, and to continue growing in my career. And I hope that together with Paula’s help once she passes the BAR this winter, we will be able to firmly secure our financial future and position us well for the decade after this one to grow our retirement nest egg.

Hopefully the next decade will be full of children, health, happiness, and prosperity for our family.

And I wish everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous new decade for all!

-R

I have been doing a lot of sprint-mini-soul-searching sessions since my father passed away. I think it’s an important time to look back and remember that my father was NEVER there for me, but I turned out ok.

And I made sure I NEVER used my father not being there for me as an excuse. Not only to other people like teachers and family, but also to myself. It’s something very important for all of us to realize that we have our educational, professional, and family (since we probably will all eventually be family-building later in our lives and some of us have already started.) fates in our own hands.

I know it can be hard at times when you feel you need to do everything on your own, because I been there many times. And what I can tell you is I met so many people in my life that had it ten times harder than me, and they did not give up.

There were so many students at Poly, some who came from the ghetto, and worked their ass off and graduated and got professional engineering jobs and moved themselves out. It was not easy, I know some of them actually had to sleep in the library, ducking from security guards, because they could not study in their apartments (in the projects) with gun shots going off down the hallway, or because they lived with their younger brothers and sisters and the small apartment was too noisy.

I know of another person who got his girlfriend pregnant just the second year of college and even though Poly is an extremely difficult school to keep up your grades, he graduated with an EE (Electrical Engineering) degree with a above 3.0 GPA. He was so proud to be able to have his son in his arms when he graduated at Lincoln Center, and be able to use his new Engineering Job to support his young family.

And more personally, lets take a look at Nana, who got a divorce during a time where it was not just Taboo, but something that the Church would still excommunicate you for. She didn’t give up, she took care of her family and had a pretty good life! She was such a strong woman, and definitely an extremely positive and powerful influence in my own life.

And of course there is Nonno. He came from a well-to-do, nicely-dressed Italian family. He came to America for love. Following my Nonna here to this country. He tried to continue the family business of selling hand-made lace, and suits, etc. But the industrialized west that was America, wanted to pump cheap products out of factories instead of by a full town of woman and tradition. He walked the streets of Manhattan looking for work, and walked into a construction site, and asked for work, he told the foreman to let him carry the bags of concrete on his back. He got that job, and since that day he was in construction his entire life. He feed his family of 5 children and bought a beautiful home with that career, and he never looked back at the easy life he had in that small town in Italy.

You have to really put your own life in perspective. Is what I’m going through at this moment really a reason to bitch and moan. Or is just another bump in the road, and I’ll make it through, because not just because I have to, but because I know where I want to go with my life and this shit is not going to stop me!

Look at people you know who have had it harder than you, and think, if they could get over that mountain, how hard could it be to get over this hill standing in my way.

It’s ok to be scared, and it’s ok to fail, but it’s NOT ok to let that fear stop you from trying. And if you do try and fail, again that’s ok, but it’s NOT ok to stop trying to pick yourself up and just stop trying.

If it helps, think about this “If I fail and don’t try again, of the people I wanted to make proud, (alive or dead), what will they think of me. And that’s something I can not bare to face! That’s what I’m really afraid of!” I used this thought to push me forward my entire life. I did not want to make my nonno (grandfather in Italian) disappointed.

Just remember: If Nana or Nonno could do what they did in life, than why can’t I do what I need to do on my own!

-R

Since he passed away a couple of weeks ago, I started to think about our history. Here are some interesting Tidbits about my Dad and me (not in chronological order):

0. My mom and dad separated when I was 1 years old.

1. He used to take me to Toys R Us for a new Matchbox car and lunch at Roy Rogers.

2. We used to take me to Train World under the “L” on McDonald Ave in Brooklyn.

3. He came to my communion (at the Church) in Jeans and my mom yelled at him to go home and get something nice to wear.

4. He moved to Florida and promised to come for visits a few times a year, but it ended up to be once every few years until I was 12.

5. The last time I saw my dad until around the age of 21 was, was at my Confirmation at the age of 12.

6. He also didn’t call much and there was a large gap with no phone calls until one day, when I was 18 he called to tell me “He was happy I was not gay” since he found out I was dating my future wife Paula.

7. When he first moved to Florida, before the phone calls stopped, on my Birthday and Christmas
he would tell me he mailed me my gifts. The never ended up showing up and after weeks I would try calling him back, and when I did reach him, he would say, “they are in the mail” or “they must have gotten lost in the mail”. There must be an entire post office with my own zip code just holding the lost gifts he promised.

8. One time he came to visit from Florida, we fill plastic Easter eggs with vinegar and little taped packets of baking soda. We would shake them up and throw them at each other trying to get the other wet with vinegar when the eggs would pop opened from the foam that would form.

9. Another time he came back to visit, maybe when I was 9 years old, we went to Radio Shack to get some parts for a project I wanted to work on. There was this microchip I needed (an Op Amp 386 chip), and I guess he didn’t want to pay the $3.00 for it, so he started a fight with the guy helping us find the chip in the store (I guess to distract him), and he stole it. When he showed me the chip in his pocket, and I asked how he got it since he did’t pay it, he didn’t answer me. When I told him I didn’t want it, because he stole it, he got pissed and said, “Fine, I’ll just keep it and glue a transistor to it, and make it look like a Microchip Bug!”

10. We used to play with my Matchbox cars on the living room floor at my Nana’s house. He would make ramps out of her books.

11. When he worked as a salesman for a metal distribution company, he brought me a bunch of copper wires, and rods for my projects.

12. When he moved back to NY, and I was living in a condo in NJ, he wanted to visit to take me to lunch one day when I was working from home. He came by and we went to TGI-Friday’s. Over lunch he started talking about how he liked going to Strip Clubs. He said he likes going there with friends and just hang out and talk, and that “And it’s even better to talk to your friend while a naked girl is sitting on your lap.” He said he would like to go to a strip club with me and hang out. Naturally I was a little taken back. Not that I didn’t like strip clubs, just that I thought it would be kind of weird hanging out with my father at one.

13. When he first moved back to NY, I was living in Queens. He called to tell me and asked if he could come over. I said “ok.” Paula was already up in Syracuse studying for her MBA, so it was just me and him. We hung out for a few hours than he went home. It was weird, because it was the first time he visited me that I really wasn’t too excited to see him. I guess I was just tired of everything. Who knew if he wasn’t leaving for Florida tomorrow.

14. After just a few months of living back in NY, he was not happy that I wasn’t opening up to him and coming to see him as much as he wanted. He called me up one night and started screaming at me. I exploded into rage and started screaming back at him telling him how dare he talk to me like this after leaving me as a kid and never even calling. He hung up the phone. We didn’t speak for a couple of months. After that he refused to call me for months at a time because he thought I should be the one calling him.

15. When I was a child he took me to one of the parks on the side of the belt parkway between Toys R Us and the Verrazano, and we used to fly kites. He had this one blue kite that had some tar on it, so he called it the “special trick kite” since the weight imbalance made it fly weird.

16. He once told me someone named “Mr. T-Rex” stole money from him when he tried to start some business in Florida, so that’s why he can’t call or visit, since he didn’t have the money. This might have been believable, but I was like 19 years old… I called him out on this saying “Come on dad, do you think I’m stupid?” He said, “No no it’s the truth…” Whatever right? Even if there was a Mr. T-Rex, maybe a visit was out for now, but phone calls too?

17. When he was supposed to visit when I was 20, I waited with Paula at my mom’s house until 2 in the morning, before giving up and heading to the Vegas diner in Brooklyn and calling it a night.

18. The last I heard from my dad was a voicemail message the day I picked up Paula from the BAR exam. The only words he left on the message were (in a nasty voice): “How could you didn’t visit your aunt?!” I called him back as soon as I heard the message. He didn’t pick up the phone however, so I left a voicemail pretending not to have heard his voicemail, and told him I just saw his missed call and wanted to call him back. I told him, I just picked up Paula from the BAR exam and that we were leaving on our two week vacation, driving across country in two days and to call me back. He never did… He died a week after we got back from vacation.

19. He sent me a birthday gift from Amazon.com in December 2008. He called to ask me if I got it, but I didn’t. At least I didn’t think so. He said it was on the way, and I thought back to all the times he told me “it was in the mail” and it never showed up. I was so pissed that he was trying to play this old game with me when I was a grown man. But it turned out he did send it and it just got mixed up in between my own boxes from Amazon that Paula and I were ordering as Christmas gifts, and didn’t get a chance to open yet.

20. The reason he gave me for having to move down to Florida, was to start a new career, since his business partners up in NY “screwed” him and he wasn’t able to get new clients, being a salesperson. Sounded like a plausible reason to a 7 year old…

21. When I didn’t list him as my father on our Wedding Invitation, he responded with a big “NO” written on the RSVP… But he came to the wedding anyway.

22. He hit on Paula’s cousin at our wedding rehersal dinner.

23. He once called me from Florida when I was 19 and when I asked him to write me an email if it’s too difficult to call me, he said “I’m bad at typing, and don’t like to do it, so no.”

24. He would sometimes call and leave weird sounds on our voicemail and hang up.

I will add more to this list if I have time and as I remember them.

I just want to say that the day I came home from work and heard my father passed away, I walked my dog Lily, before heading to Brooklyn to be with the family. On the walk, I said a pray and said outloud (to my father), “I don’t know what to say. I forgive you. But man were you an asshole. But I forgive you.” I tried to think of what to say and just gave a heavy sigh, shook my head, and said “I don’t have anything else to say…”